@McMcmadmac: My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
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@HelmdawgE: Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can't reach.
@amishschool: My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
@OtherDanOBrien: *reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit *reads an article on a subject I don't know* If it's published it must be accurate
@pleatedjeans: [junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me] Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him