My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
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The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
He a real one for that
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Imagine having a party on purpose.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”