My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
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Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.