If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
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(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Every work call, he judges.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Sign of the day..
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”