My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
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me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.