My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
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My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST