Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
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Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
All. The. Damn. Time.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
this makes me so uncomfortable
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.