My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
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The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Finally!
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*