My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
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My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I didn’t come here to be called names
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*