If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
You Might Also Like
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.