Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
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Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.