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There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.