My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
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It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I am also baked goods