Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
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Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”