@Underchilde: My neighbor said the next time he comes over he’s bringing the whole family, so I told him I couldn’t wait and then I burned my house down.
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@Smooheed: Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
@Jeffwni: Wife: There's a spider in the kids' bedroom Me: I'll take care of it *raises spider like one of my own* *has a little cry when it graduates*
@lovemydogduck: Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween... best hate sex we ever had.
@StatusInBeirut: In the future: "So Zionists tried to take a people's home and said god gave it to them." "So what happened?" "Apparently god disagreed."