my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
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Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Wait a second…
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
OMG 🤣🤣
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.