my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
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If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila