My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
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Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys