@GoddessTitty: My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I'm naked, but then I don't get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
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@travisauruss: MAN TO LIZARD: "SO I HEAR YOU'RE IN FLOORING SALES" LIZARD: "IM MORE IN PROMOTION" MAN: "WHAT DO YOU DO" LIZARD: "I REP TILE"
@TheMichaelRock: boss: are you high? me: no, i'm on dayquil boss: dayquil doesn't do that me: must be the cocaine then
@audipenny: Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it's like "well I better just go with it" and I begin sprinting at them