@GoddessTitty: My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I'm naked, but then I don't get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
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@QuietPsycho: When I think about you, I touch myself..... ......I rub my temples because you give me a goddamn headache...
@heidi420x: I haven't been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn't lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I've told to cops.
@BrettDruck: Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn't even close lupita nyong'o: that's my coffee
@KeetPotato: doc: "your dad's been in a coma for 9 days, we're running out of ideas" me: "let me try" [goes to adjust thermostat] dad: [opens one eye]