My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
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I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me