[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
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20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about