My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
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Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Can’t stop laughing
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir