My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
You Might Also Like
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
how to exercise your calf muscles
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
black phone good
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.