@MarcusTheToken: My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven't said a word since.
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@thetobbie: ME: Have you seen my denim jacket? GF: No, but it's okay. Just checked the weather & it's not going to be the 1980s today...
@Parentpains: Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
@huntigula: "Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!" [cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
@noogscorner: Alien 1: What are the Humans doing? Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers. Alien 1: I ate my mother. Alien 2: As did I.