Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
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I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell