Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
You Might Also Like
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal