My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
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Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Quadruple digit IQ
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best