My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
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“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.