@mochanya: My neighbors listen to awesome music whether they like it or not.
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@Reverend_Scott: [wedding reception] DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions? IDK HE'S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
@BonaFideIntent: Drunk Draft Folder Contents: "Trees. LOL." "I was born once. Pickles." "Spice Girls" "Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one."
@Fickle_Filly: You know it's time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
@SortaBad: "Babe I wanna ask you something" *gets down on one knee* "When The Little Mermaid became human, how'd she know to use a toilet?" *ties shoe*