Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
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My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.