My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
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A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Milk Cube
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Classic German Shepherd 😂