@abbycohenwl: My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
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@daemonic3: Dr: You have palpitations Me: You mean my heartbeat's off? Dr: Hearts can't beat off HAHAHAHA Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
@DionneMcNutt: A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. "Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you're supposed to see a doctor."
@WheelTod: Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you'll be banned from Walgreens for life?