My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
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The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.