If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
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The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.