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In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Woke up against my better judgement again
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I am crying
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.