Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
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Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”