my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
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Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.