@ninjadinosaur1: My neighbour said I'm not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they'd prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
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@BaileyXPaige: [at the gym] Trainer: "Why don't you tell me what your workout goals are." Me: "Goals? I'm just here so I don't eat for an hour."
@KeetPotato: magician: "think of a letter, any letter" me: "ok" magician: "now double it" me: [visibly confused]
@david8hughes: [driving home in silence] Wife: ok, I’m sorry Me: too late Wife: you do quite a lot of them though Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them Wife: ... Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties Wife: funeral
@MissNaughty1801: Neighbour: if your son doesn't stop playing drums right now I'll lose my mind!! Me: too late...he's stopped half an hour ago