My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
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Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.