My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
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My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.