My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
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My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Wednesday