My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
You Might Also Like
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I’m ready for Halloween this year
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
True
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
No way!
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Where’s my employee discount too?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?