My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
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What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
#SCOTUS one-star review
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?