“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
You Might Also Like
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Cat is stressing him out.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.