@realHamOnWry: My nephew asked, 'How will I know when I'm an adult?' and I said, ' When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator'
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@Reverend_Scott: And then God said, "Let there be Black Friday." and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
@simoncholland: Don't believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
@bobvulfov: [posing nude] ME: make sure to capture all of my body's contours DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
@dumbbeezie: Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something