Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
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It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs