Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
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me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
how was your vacation
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet