@lovemydogduck: My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won't be going back.
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@SortaBadass: When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say "the baby is crowning!" and they'll laugh and laugh
@CantWaitToNap: When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. I know this now.
@ThisOneSayz: *opens door* Stop screaming! *opens door* What broke?! *opens door* Just wait until I get out there!! ~parenting from the bathroom
@ElleOhHell: "We're a completely paperless office." Wow, that's really cool. [Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom] Well this sucks.