@lovemydogduck: My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won't be going back.
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@ericsshadow: [first date] HIM: Can I call you sometime? HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can't... I lost my phone
@SirEviscerate: RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn't have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
@SortaBad: I'm sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
@ebrawley: Hello, I'm waiter, I'll be your Walter tonight. Wait, the other way around. Sorry, first day. Care for a glass of Walter? Ooh boy ok