[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
You Might Also Like
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
This a good idea
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
You deplete me
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.