My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
You Might Also Like
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why