My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
You Might Also Like
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
welcome back
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.