I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
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Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
taking June’s advice to heart