My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
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Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
NASA has no chill
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
And now we wait
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
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