My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
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To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
WWE is French for “yes”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication