@hrtbps: My New Year's resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048x1080. I'll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word 'resolution' can also refer t
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@iAmDelFreaky: I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
@shesananteater: My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that.
@internetluke: [first date] Me: don't let her know you're a lizard Her: why did you just say that? Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
@WildeThingy: I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.