At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
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How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.