Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
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If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.