Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
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There are 2 kinds of twitter.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!